CSISBOARDS

username · Sat Oct 20, 2007 7:14 pm username's identity

all along, i was hiding myself from everyone.

no single person i trusted for the person who really am.

there's a few of them that understand me, but

i am still very afraid to be myself..

many people thought of me as independent, strong, mature..

and these were the proofs that i succeeded

in hiding myself to everyone...

being intellectual and knowledgeable in many things

has really its advantage.. you get to know things that many people

doesn't know..

often times, i only used my cleverness when im around with many people.

an instance was, everybody knew the looks of a person who is very keen, and the looks that he/she knew what the people around him/her is hidng..

being able to know that look, i can used that to clever out the people around me, and eventually they will casually tell what is it that their hiding..

to some people, they see it as "manloloko" or "plastic"

but i had a different view about it. as i have said earlier,

it is just a form of cleverness.

so cleverness can be define as "being in a state of full awareness where other people seemed to be in a low degree basis"

and what does it have to do with me?

well, i am being redundant already, but oh well...

Most of the time, I used my cleverness when im with people around.

another issue about myself was, i trust people in an instant.

a little chit chat, some time together and that's it!

the main problem is, If that person makes just a little mistake

regarding on issues that has great significance to me,

i will perceive that person as, like this, like that.

you know, stuffs like that...

hiding myself from everyone is my everyday pain..

additional to that are the stressors around me..

like academics, extra curricular, friends and my boyfriend.. haha
(stressor pla c boyfriend!)

I can say that i have multiple personalities.

i developed that as early as i had my awareness in this world.

im different when im with my family, my relatives, cousins of different level, whether 2nd or 3rd cousin, my classmates, my other classmates, my co-officers, in the ctd, when im with the teachers or officials, with my high school friends, former high school classmates, and so on..

im different every time i knew that there's a different type of group im with. im not plastic though, i just adopt to every different atmosphere i am with..

that's why its hard for me to determine what is the real me..

i dont blame myself nor regret to be what i am having right now

because, every thing just fits into its right place. if im different before,

maybe i would not be able to know such great persons in my life.

persons that unawaringly, gives me strength to live my life.

*sigh*

username · Sat Oct 20, 2007 8:02 pm

50% 50% i hate and love sem break!!

love it coz you got the chance to go and do all the things you can't do when school days, and to do my favorite thing to do.. to sleep!! haha

sem break is where i can rest, lay down in my bed the whole day and
got the chance to play! hahaha

every vacation i had are all the same, meaningless and dull.

but this sem break, im feeling different..

it seems that i still got many hanging jobs to do../e14

and also, nowadays, i can't help myself to think about him... /e16

not my boyfriend..[haha bad girl] but him..

maybe a few people knew him..

coz, who would not know such an intelligent and charming guy like him..

ain't i a bad girl...hay

i really tried to get rid of him many times..

im making him hate me, so it will be easier for the two of us

/e7

i think it's working, coz nowadays, he avoids me and what we have before is not here anymore..

everything has changed in the two of us..

some people are starting to notice it but they're just quiet about it
until i start bringing it up to them..

it's really very confusing that's why i just write it down in here..haha

maybe i just think too much and my thoughts of us before were just my imagination..maybe we really don't have that something before..

i never thought i would learn to love him.
coz in the first place, i am preoccupied with someone else.

before i only see him as one of my special friends.

then i started feeling jealous on the girls around him..haha

then one moment in my life.. i just found out that.

i fel in love with him...

if you're keen enough.. i have already given the name of the person i am talking about. haha

this sem break.. i had watch many movies that has realtion to my situation right now..

i thought of it only as a coincidence, but it started to get into my system..

right now, im just trying to go with the time..

thanks for reading..